A Time of Transition

Finding my way here, to this diverse and rich land in the woods along a magical brook, has been such an immense gift. I have been truly blessed to delve into growing and raising my own food, living immersed within the forest, connecting with the seasons, opening my heart to life and death, and uncovering who I am at my core and the gifts that I was born to share. It has not come without significant sacrifices, however, and is by far the most difficult, challenging, and at times overwhelming experience I have ever engaged in. Yet I wouldn’t change it for anything and I know, without any doubt, that this is exactly where I’m meant to be right now, at this moment.

Lately though, I’ve found myself in a place of transition. Over the past seven years we’ve continually tried different ways of supporting ourselves here at the farm, yet many of those attempts seem to be short lived, which has felt incredibly frustrating. We have tried setting up systems to grow veggies on a large scale. We have tried raising 200 laying hens and 50 meat birds. We have tried raising up to 30 pigs and maintaining a heritage breeding stock. We have tried scaling up the saw mill and wood creations. We have tried scaling up a variety of different endeavors here at the farm, only to get so far because it is unrealistic for just the two of us when we are still trying to finish our home and build infrastructure. That or we wouldn’t have enough volunteers show up in a season or we couldn’t find anyone to hire, so trying to set up these systems from scratch and maintain them was not doable for the two of us. Life just seemed to be conspiring against us, or at least against those particular endeavors.

And I used to get really upset about all of that. I would feel pissed off that we weren’t able to do it and that we weren’t being supported in that work. We are only two people after all, on a very tight budget, trying to do the work of an entire village. Maintaining a farm as just two people is an enormous task that is not at all sustainable. Ask any other farmer/homesteader and you will quickly understand what an insane prospect this is. And then if something happens to one of you, it’s even more impossible! That and there just isn’t enough support locally to buy what we were raising/making in order to even consider successfully scaling up. At least that’s been our experience, yet I also know that those doors aren’t meant to open for us. We aren’t meant to be large-scale farmers. But I still feel pissed off about the lack of support for local and feel very certain that the significant change required will not occur until people are forced into a corner, until there is no other option to source your food other than from local growers and producers. This is a very disheartening reality and one that rests heavily on my heart. Yet for now, this is a conversation for another day. Back to doors closing.

It took me a while to realize that in this particular instance, as in all other instances in life, that Mystery doesn’t close one door without opening another. I’m not certain why it took me longer to realize that doors closing and opening could also apply to our work here, perhaps it was in part because I feel so sure about the value and importance of what we’re trying to do that I couldn’t believe that certain parts of it weren’t meant to manifest. Like how could growing lots of healthy and wholesome food not be a viable endeavor for our times, for all times?!? Yet these ways of engaging in the world aren’t meant for us. At least not on that scale.

But for the longest time, we continually tried walking, running, and slamming ourselves into those doors that had already been closed, only to miss seeing the open door right next to it. All a part of our process, of course. Yet I would spend a lot of energy feeling upset about that and wondering what I was doing wrong and how I could do it better. Thankfully, through the beautiful threads that constantly flow through our lives, I was able to see more clearly my purpose here. About this transitional space that I currently find myself in.

I no longer get so upset about those closed doors. I am now able to see that we were meant to experience all of those ways of living here in the woods these past seven years. We were meant to gain new skills and hone in on our passions. We were meant to try a little bit of everything in order to be able to share our experiences with others. We were meant to be stripped down to our core to reveal the pearls within. This has been the grist for the mill of our life’s work here. These are the tasks that we’ve been apprenticing to so that we may bring these gifts to our people. To the Wild. To the world.

I was listening to an interview with Jesse Wente recently on CBC Ideas and he said something that really resonated with me. He spoke about his calling and responsibility and how it relates to rekindling a life filled with purpose. That now he is being called to speak to the needs of the times and that “the future we want has already existed - we just need to recover it.” That statement reverberated within my entire being as I truly believe that we do not need some new technological fix to supposedly “save the world” - which is just another way of stating our narcissistic view that we’re really just concerned with saving ourselves. Earth will be alright with or without us, yet can we please stop fucking her shit up so horrifically?! We do not need some bullshit story to get us out of the mess that we’re in, like just buy an EV and everything will be fine. What we need, simply, is to reconnect with what it means to be human and the deep cultural forms of beauty that we have so long valued that interconnect us with a reciprocal relationship with life and death. With the land. With our food. With the waters. With one another. With all beings and with the Holy in the Wild.

This isn’t a new story. This isn’t something to discover or achieve or conquer. It is simply the act of re-connecting and re-membering.

So through the door that Mystery has opened for me, I have come to realize that this is a huge responsibility that I was brought here to share. Through my writing, through this blog, through my creativity, through my passion for traditional skills and ways of living, through my love of life and death, and through my heart that beats with and for the Wild, I am being asked to offer gifts of re-membrance. I am being asked to share my heart with all of you through my journey here in this place of living with and for the land. There is an infusion of soul and spirit within this work, it is not merely just a farm and I am not merely just a farmer. We live within the forest and are intricately interdependent with this wild space. This is sacred work, sacred farming, that is being asked of me. A task that can at times feel so monumental and I, so completely insignificant, that I cannot possibly be up for the task. That I am no match for the immensity of this responsibility and I will most certainly perish trying.

Yet here’s how you know that you are on the right path, even though there is no path as no one has ever wandered down this exact same place as you, but you continue onwards irregardless (inside momma bear joke) of the uncertainty, the fear, the seeming lack of support. None of that matters as much as your commitment to your purpose. It is the sole responsibility of your life and one that you must live fully into the world if you are to truly live. If we are to have any hope of becoming a people worth descending from, we will need to retrace our own indigenousity so that we may rebirth our ancestors’ ceremonial practices of initiation to become fully mature and integrated adults. Only then will we be able to bring forth the already present gifts and purpose inherent within each one of us so that our beauty and uniqueness will have its special place within the community of life. This is the Great Work of our Lives. And this is completely accessible within each and every one of you.

I appreciate you taking the time to read these words. May they inspire you to uncover your own unique gifts and purpose, knowing that as you heed the call of this one precious life, you also open the door for others to do the same. Blessings to each one of you as you courageously step through the doors that call you by your one true name.